Not logical, but still real

I am a feminist. Not always the politically loudest of feminists, but a feminist nonetheless. If you take any notice of my posts and know what I do with my life, then that is probably obvious.

I also, for reasons that are somewhat opaque to me but presumably stem from what I experienced in my childhood and what I see around me, am convinced in my gut that women are less than men, that women are weak and just not as good.

Clinton obviously was not a perfect candidate, but had I woken this morning to the news that she had won, that dark horrible sense inside me that women are ‘not as good’ would have shrunk, as it did on the day that May became PM, for all that I disagree with her policies.

Instead, I woke, saw the news, and felt the old shame expand – that women are just not as good, that I am fighting an uphill battle to achieve what men achieve, that I should give up now and accept my lesser status.

I don’t want to have that shame inside me. I don’t believe in it intellectually. I hold fast to my feminist life. But the reality is that how I feel about myself is in part shaped by my experience of the world. And this election result in a far away country of which, it appears, I know little, has made me feel like a lesser person.

It’s not logical, but it is real.

 

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